I haven’t posted anything to the blog lately and that isn’t like me. I haven’t run out of stuff to say…(fat chance) but I just haven’t found the energy to say it.
Before anyone starts a chorus of “Poor Leslie” let me quote the great Barney Fife and “Nip It In The Bud!” I’m just sharing me feelings and perhaps this might help someone else in the same boat. OK?
I’m finding myself sinking into a depression…I’ve never permitted this before…I couldn’t. I don’t want to be there but I’m allowing myself to feel it for the first time. It’s not good.
I am out of my routine, or what passes for one while I’m out of work. I am eating too much and haven’t been writing.
So…what’s bugging me?
Part of it is a recent head cold. It didn’t cause me to feel depressed, but it did add to the general lethargy.
Part of it is my inability to stay in the moment, because most of my moments are quite pleasant. I am right now sipping my 2nd cup of coffee, freshly showered and clean, comfortable, warm, (a little too) well fed and by myself, which is quite OK. But I tend to fret over things and that puts me in a place where I let fear seep into my happy place. Fear comes in with a bucket of black paint and a roller and can sometimes make quick work of my psyche.
So I decided to make a list of things that are frustrating me and making me feel trapped. Then I subdivided them into things I can do something about and things I really can’t. The next step is to figure out how to positively affect the changeable things and then just set the things I can’t change aside. (Maybe there is something to that “Serenity Prayer.”)
But before I get to some of those pesky frustrating things…I wanted to come back and examine my feelings…because this is different. I have felt anger before, and this isn’t it. I have also felt sad and this is different. It is something that I have felt before but because my environment at home was emotionally unstable, I had to find things to distract me from actually “feeling” it.
The best way I can describe it is that it’s like feeling “Nothing.” I am one that experiences the full range of human emotion but lately I just don’t feel anything. I do feel kind of afraid. This emotional numbness is upsetting to me. I really love feeling the world around me. If I normally see emotions in bright vivid color, they are now all sepia toned. Not good.
So, what’s eating Leslie? I look happy enough on the outside don’t I?
Not working. More than any one single thing, this has got me down. I really need to be busy, I need to feel like I’m making a difference and contributing to something. I’m very good at what I do and I didn’t forget how, but somehow changing my gender has made it exponentially more difficult to find work. I miss the social interaction with other people and the mental stimulation of the fast pace of a radio station. I like deadlines. Oh yeah, I miss the paycheck too…because I was using those to do stuff like pay rent and buy food and fund my “lifestyle choice.” Money really comes in handy and when you don’t have any coming in…you really begin to miss it.
My beard keeps growing back after electrolysis. Even though I know that is normal, it demoralizes me. Except for the one obvious appendage, having to shave is the single biggest trigger of my dysphonia. I hate it. Fortunately it is becoming easier and it is noticeably less dense.
I am getting older. That sucks. Yeah, pretty big boat there, lots of company, but here’s the rub: I transitioned at age 55. I never experienced what it was like to be a young girl. To experience life as a 25 year old woman…or college, or wear a prom dress, or….fill in any of a thousand things that I longed for when I was younger. This goes into the pile of “Can’t do a damn thing about it.” But it still creeps in sometimes…
Maybe this is normal…just part of life’s ups and downs. I don’t know…so much is new to me. Matter of fact, I kinda want to look into this and see what it’s all about.
Adding to the anxiety are several factors, will I find a job as a woman? If it’s on-air, how will I handle my voice? It’s great for a guy but god-awful for a woman. I’m working on it, but am nowhere near where I need to be. In addition, the scarcity of jobs combined with most of the ones available being unattractive is disconcerting. I may need to come to grips that my radio career is done.
It’s important to note that this has little to do with my transition. I have had nothing in the way of 2nd thoughts. I am more certain of my identity and sense of self than I have ever been. Any frustration lies in my financial inability to “complete the project” in a more timely manner.
I am really hurting inside. I am emotionally lonely and need to be touched. I miss that SO much. Not in a sexual way, but in a human way, a loving way. I was married for 33 years and am still learning to live on my own and I have yet to meet someone, however, I won’t lower my standards. I don’t even know how to meet people (I haven’t dated in 35 years!) and I’m not into finding people on-line. Please no.
4-5 days have passed between the above and right now…
So, as I write this, I’m feeling better. I am accepting the things out of my control and making progress on those I can affect. I’m not there yet, but I will be OK.
I thought it important to share this because I had always kept quiet about these feelings for fear of showing weakness. I realize now that it takes strength to share this and in sharing there is healing.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this or any other subject.