Something changed today…I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is but something is different.
I did something today that I haven’t been able to do for 10 months.
I listened to music!!
There has a giant gaping hole that has been missing from my life: Music.
My entire life has had a soundtrack to it. I’ve marked time and occasions in my life by what has been playing on the radio. My JOB has been to PICK the songs played on the radio for 3 decades. Music was in my car, in my office, in the bathroom and in my home nearly all the time. Until about the end of March 2013. That was when my divorce was final.
Although necessary, the end of my 33-year marriage was horrifically painful and I’m still working to get over it. 33 years is a long time. It’s almost my entire adult life, a life that was filled with music. Leaving the courthouse with my final decree I got in the car and drove to work. As I did, a song came on the radio that reduced me to tears. I had to shut it off. EVERY song was doing that.
There are songs that remind me of when we were dating in the 70’s – bands like Foreigner, Styx, Boston. Anything from Barbara Streisand (Her favorite), The Eagles, Van Halen and on and on. We went to so many of those concerts together. Some songs reminded me of when we would just drive up the coast in our MG Midget with the top down and the radio on and just loving life. So many memories reminding me of what was now gone. Too many songs to list…
My home that was always filled with music was silent. Partially because Katie doesn’t listen to music very much, but I could if I wanted to – I just couldn’t. Maybe I just needed a break. But with this silence there has been a quiet unseen gift; the gift of solitude. Quiet moments to reflect and process the changes that have come into my life. The past 18 months has been almost like a dream with so many new experiences and a major change in my blood and brain chemistry. It’s truly amazing.
There is still a song in my heart…but it’s a new song and my still growing female sense of self, dances to it. She loves music and her time is now to crank the volume and dance with abandon to new memories in a new life – with new routines.